An open letter to my girlfriend

My dearest love,

I have one goal in this life. It’s a goal that I will most likely never achieve but still refuse to give up on. I will continue to pursue it, no matter how impossible the odds. Family and friends be damned. If they get in my way, I will toss them aside without a moment’s hesitation. Sadly, this applies to you as well. What of my coworkers, you ask? I’ve already given up on them and would probably toss every last one to a pack of rabid hyenas for not much more than a Klondike bar. I don’t even like Klondike bars. Of course, I’d spare my office manager because I’m fairly sure her heart is plated with 24K gold and that could come in handy later on. But I digress…

My goal is deceptively simple. Easy to explain, but almost impossible to attain. If I were to sum it up in one sentence, which could easily be done, you would shoot me a questioning glance. “Why that’s silly,” you’d say. “We’ve all thought about it, but why devote a lifetime of effort to something like that?” I would scoff at your response and deflect any further arguments with my quick wit and razor sharp debate skills. In all honesty, I’d probably just place both fingers in my ears and pretend not to hear you. An equally effective technique. You would leave frustrated and I would continue on my warpath. Mark my words, I will achieve this goal or most certainly die trying.

No more teasing. I’ve played with your lady balls enough to where I feel you are ready, and quite frankly, my tongue is getting kind of sore. My goal, the one thing that I hold in higher regard than anything that ever was and anything that ever will be, is… to have sex with a celebrity.

I mean, c’mon, how awesome would that be? Plus you keep talking about how hot Mila Kunis is, so I was thinking we could turn it into a group thing. That way we both win and it’s not technically cheating. Hell, I’m sure you’d be down with a less hot celebrity. They’re all good looking. No guys though. Well, maybe Ryan Reynolds. I’m sure we can agree on something.

So, will you help achieve my life’s goal? …Honey? …Where are you going?