Twenty... More... Minutes...

It's currently 4:40 on this fine Tuesday afternoon (technically it's 4:41). That means two things: 1) I need to change my timezone on the blog so the correct time appears with my posts and 2) I can dart out the door in only 20 minutes. Normally, I would complain about having spent all day in the desolate, dark corner I call my desk, but I took a half day and things aren't so bad. Severe insomnia zapped any will to get up out of bed this morning and 4 hours of sick leave seemed like the best option. Why yes I slept in and I'm better off for it.

For most jobs, I would have been fine forcing myself out of bed and pumping my body full of dangerous amounts of disgusting office coffee, but there is one thing you should know, I absolutely loathe my current job. I alluded to this slightly in my open letter. I won't post the link because I'm far too lazy. Just scroll down and you'll see. Basically, that was the tip of the iceberg. I will most certainly elaborate as to why I despise my current position but now is not that time. Just know this, my job is slowly sucking the life out of me and I am desperate to escape. I'm also pretty sure they are trying to kill me... I mean literally trying to kill me.

There was a point to this post when it started. Maybe I was excited to be writing how much I hate my job while still at the office. You see, I don't care if the IT guys (and gals?) are monitoring this. I want them to watch. On some level, I'm sure they would sympathize. What's more likely is that they wouldn't care enough to report this to HR.

But talking about work wasn't the point of this exercise. So what the hell was?

I think the intention was to create a stream of consciousness writing exercise imposed by the most grueling task master of all, me. If anyone of you reading actually knows me, you'd realize how absurd that previous statement was. Can I end a sentence with "was?" I'll leave that one up to the philosophers.

What I am really trying to accomplish is filling the last 20 minutes of my tolerable half day with something remotely interesting. Doing actual work would certainly never accomplish that. I actually started writing with the intent of not proof reading the post until I finished. That clearly has not been the case, as I've gone back and reread each sentence about 3,000 times. Ultimately, it's a silly task because no matter how many edits I make, this is still an unfocused, jumbled mess. Who cares really? The whole point of Clever Pun is to write. The topics aren't important. The style doesn't matter. I could give two shits about the length of what I write. It's all about writing for the sake of writing. How else can you get better if you don't practice? Sure everything in the beginning will be garbage but that's an integral part of the whole process. As long as I'm coming up with halfway coherent sentences, I'm happy.

Consider this post a little better explanation of what this site is all about. I set out with nothing specific in mind and slowly narrowed my focus. I'm not claiming that I was successful in this endeavor but at least I haven't hit a wall.

I think I might have spoken too soon. Oh look, it's 5:00.

SUCCESS

HAHA! TWO WHOLE POSTS! I'VE WRITTEN TWO POSTS IN LESS THAN A WEEK! THE BLOG IS A RESOUNDING SUCCESS AND NO ONE CAN SAY OTHERWISE. AS TEMPTING AS IT MAY BE TO RETIRE AT THE TOP OF MY GAME, I WILL PUSH ON. NO, NOT FOR YOU. I NEVER LIKED YOU. IN FACT, FUCK YOU! YEAH, I SAID IT AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN!

Sorry, I think I let the cap locks key get the best of me.

An open letter to my girlfriend

My dearest love,

I have one goal in this life. It’s a goal that I will most likely never achieve but still refuse to give up on. I will continue to pursue it, no matter how impossible the odds. Family and friends be damned. If they get in my way, I will toss them aside without a moment’s hesitation. Sadly, this applies to you as well. What of my coworkers, you ask? I’ve already given up on them and would probably toss every last one to a pack of rabid hyenas for not much more than a Klondike bar. I don’t even like Klondike bars. Of course, I’d spare my office manager because I’m fairly sure her heart is plated with 24K gold and that could come in handy later on. But I digress…

My goal is deceptively simple. Easy to explain, but almost impossible to attain. If I were to sum it up in one sentence, which could easily be done, you would shoot me a questioning glance. “Why that’s silly,” you’d say. “We’ve all thought about it, but why devote a lifetime of effort to something like that?” I would scoff at your response and deflect any further arguments with my quick wit and razor sharp debate skills. In all honesty, I’d probably just place both fingers in my ears and pretend not to hear you. An equally effective technique. You would leave frustrated and I would continue on my warpath. Mark my words, I will achieve this goal or most certainly die trying.

No more teasing. I’ve played with your lady balls enough to where I feel you are ready, and quite frankly, my tongue is getting kind of sore. My goal, the one thing that I hold in higher regard than anything that ever was and anything that ever will be, is… to have sex with a celebrity.

I mean, c’mon, how awesome would that be? Plus you keep talking about how hot Mila Kunis is, so I was thinking we could turn it into a group thing. That way we both win and it’s not technically cheating. Hell, I’m sure you’d be down with a less hot celebrity. They’re all good looking. No guys though. Well, maybe Ryan Reynolds. I’m sure we can agree on something.

So, will you help achieve my life’s goal? …Honey? …Where are you going?

...About a First Post

You see what I did there? The blog is called "Clever Pun" and the first post is "About a First Post." Get it? Clever pun about a first post. Yeah, I hate me too most of the time. I also have a feeling that joke, if it can really be considered a joke, will last for only a few more posts.

So what is Clever Pun? Well, it certainly isn't what it claims to be. Let's just consider this my little experiment. I've tried writing for a blog before with mixed results. My posts were infrequent at best and the quality of my writing was lacking. With Clever Pun, I want to change all that. This is meant to be my nagging little reminder that I should be writing more often. I'll set some number of posts that I want to write each week and you, my non existent audience, will make sure I keep that promise. That way I start writing and you... well you don't exist yet. More on that at a later date.

That's it. There's nothing else. We're off to a mundane and rather uninteresting start. I blame writing this whole thing while half asleep. Get used to hearing a bunch of excuses because I'm full of them.

God, I can't believe I'm going to post this crap...